im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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