I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
God I need to hump something, right now.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
