My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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