my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
