Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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