Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
