I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
