Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
