I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
