Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
