drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
