Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Drake has all the answers
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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