dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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