I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
