I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
