I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
