It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I need to align my fucking chakras
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
