how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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