hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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