All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
