I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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