your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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