i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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