Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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