I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
