smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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