Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
