3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
