the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
