yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
