My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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