If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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