dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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