Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
