i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
