At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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