Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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