I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
