I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
