Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
