She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
