please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
