wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
