There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
