My Higher Power is John Stamos
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
