Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
