pop tarts are not kleenex
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
