so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
