You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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