wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
