she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
